There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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