I faked an abortion last night.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
