Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
