dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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