Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
