$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
