i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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