he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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