If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
