Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
