I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
