She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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