it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who died my cat blue again?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
