The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
