the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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