Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
