Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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