cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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