I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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