we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
