I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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