Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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