I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
