dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
