In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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