i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
