Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
