it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
