Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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