i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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