He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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