Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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