Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Randomize
