i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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