had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
