my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
