dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
