I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize