I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
