From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
