you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
