Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
