Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
