omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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