i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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