Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
