Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
