dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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