I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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