I can text with my tongue
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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