the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
