Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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