i think my tv is drunk
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
