that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
