Umm I'm too high to move.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
