fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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