after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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