Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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