just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
