please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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