is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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