I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
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